The following is a completely serious review of the entirely serious upcoming collection Poet Robot by E. I. Wong. Check out his writing at https://notesfromanarcissist.wordpress.com/
Good reviewers are completely objective.
They leave no trace of themselves in the review.
The only thing you should notice about a reviewer
is their name at the top of the thing.
A good reviewer would never rate a book higher
because it was signed personally to him or
sent to him as a review copy or
because the author “liked” things on the reviewer’s blog.
A good reviewer, of course, gets immediately to the point.
He does not write in a silly form to reference the material being reviewed.
He certainly doesn’t ramble on about other things
like the experience of waking up with an anime blow up doll
at five in the morning that seemed to take the shape of a certain poetic robot
and who promised sexual favors for…well… a good reviewer wouldn’t say what for, would he?
After all, he would never accept sexual favors.
Good reviewers are all virgins, of course.
A good reviewer certainly would point out some of the questionable font choices,
and take into account the fact that a good chunk of the material is available on the author’s blog,
but look at that robot’s eyes.
Don’t you just want to find that robot’s usb port and plug yourself in?
Look it’s saying “heart” already.
What could it hurt?
A good reviewer would mention the parts that made him
would admit that certain sections left him in awe of the, shall we say, Wong?
And would reiterate, even though already stated in the reviewers review of Tin Lion, that the story entitled
“To Describe Blow Jobs Artistically”
is one of the most astoundingly beautiful things arted.
A good reviewer knows lots of fancy terms to describe things.
Like arted. And pretty. And diegetic.
Yes, yes. So diegetic. Such control of “the craft”.
Such poetic chop suey.
These are all things a professional reviewer would say because they know.
What do they know?
That this book is good
and represents the views of San Francisco.